Dear Crazies: Why Don't You ALL Just Stop By?

We seem to attract the very best of the best out there. Remember the Whack-O Homebuyer who was upset we didn't fix the pothole just because she made mere mention of it? Well, you actually never heard the full story on her. We later found out she had asked our realtor about our reasons for moving. The realtor's answer was, "They're outgrowing the house." Apparently, in her discussion with one of our neighbors, it was casually mentioned that I was with child when we moved in (GREAT with child at the time, in fact). So her incredulous response to our realtor was, "Well, I heard the lady was pregnant when they moved in. Wouldn't they then have known BEFORE they moved in that they would outgrow the house?"

Huh?

Anyway.

So yesterday I get this email from this "prospective buyer." In it, he "asked" the following questions:

On google earth, you are quite a distance from the lake, though you say, "walking distance to the lake", Do you have a community dock or other easement for access?

Your asking price is pretty steep being that in the photos I do not see even a family room, only two tiny den areas.

I have former listing info, the pool is not much larger than a jacuzzi. Does it serve both purposes?

Your street looks worse than that of a third world country, it's horrific!
Does your property owners have plans on refinishing it?

It was my husband's opinion that we not even respond to this; however, I'm nothing if not a person of my word, and by allowing prospective buyers to contact us, that, to me, is as much as committing to provide excellent service by way of a response.

So this is what I wrote (and this is what I was wishing I could write):

Hi Matt,

Thank you for your inquiry about the property listed at ____ Drive in ___________ (Why in the world are you taking up my time and yours to send this "inquiry" which serves only to insult us rather than to ask any valid questions. It's not like we charge admission; your drive-by was free, so it's not like your insults serve to elicit a refund or anything.In fact, if you had come by a couple of weeks ago, I would have even offered you FREE BBQ. Of course, you would have probably just insulted my husband's cooking. Furthermore, have you heard that the housing market stinks? Knowing this, you should also realize that there are TONS of homes to look at, probably even many that are a better deal than ours. MOVE ON!!).

Here are answers to your questions (responses appear in ALL CAPS):

Message: On google earth, you are quite a distance from the lake, though you say, "walking distance to the lake", Do you have a community dock or other easement for access? WE ARE APPROXIMATELY 1/2-1 MILE FROM _________ MARINA (website of marina here) (Based on your "question" about our road, I know for a fact you did a drive-by, so your Google Earth view of our house is really null and void. You were here. You saw the lake across the street. You saw the sign for the marina. You asked this question only because you were being "smart" about our wording in our description. And, by the way, if you can't walk a mile, well...).

Your asking price is pretty steep being that in the photos I do not see even a family room, only two tiny den areas. OUR HOME DOES NOT FEATURE ANY "DENS". THERE ARE TWO SIZABLE LIVING AREAS. IN ADDITION, THERE IS A GIGANTIC MEDIA ROOM AND BONUS ROOM (This "question" left me speechless. Since we, in fact, have two living rooms, both of modest size and one with 20ft. ceilings, I just couldn't think of much else to think.).

I have former listing info, the pool is not much larger than a jacuzzi. Does it serve both purposes? THE POOL IS NOT LARGE, BUT IT WAS NOT OUR INTENTION TO BUILD AN OVER-SIZED POOL. WE WENT FOR AN AESTHETICALLY PLEASING POOL AS WELL AS ONE THAT WOULD SERVE ANY FAMILY NICELY. THE POOL IS HEATED AND HEATS QUICKLY BECAUSE IT IS A SMALLER POOL. SO, YES, I SUPPOSE IT COULD SERVE AS A JACUZZI, THOUGH YOU WOULD HAVE TO SUPPLY YOUR OWN BUBBLES (...though you would have to supply your own bubbles. OK, so I did say what I was thinking here. I considered adding a smily, but his message was in plain text, and I didn't feel a colon, dash, close parentheses would be as effective as an actual smily.).

Your street looks worse than that of a third world country, it's horrific!
Does your property owners have plans on refinishing it? LAKE COMMUNITIES ARE A SPECIAL BREED. MOST LAKE COMMUNITIES IN THIS AREA WERE DEVELOPED BACK IN THE '80S BY "CITY FOLKS" WHO WANTED A GETAWAY. THEY CARVED OUT DIRT ROADS THAT WOUND BACK ALONG LAKE TRIBUTARIES AND PUT IN SMALL HOMES. OVER THE YEARS AS LAKE LIVING HAS BECOME MORE POPULAR, MANY OF THESE EARLIER , MORE RUN-DOWN HOMES HAVE BEEN DEMOLISHED AND REPLACED BY NEW HOMES. SOME HAVEN'T...PART OF THE CHARM OF THESE COMMUNITIES. IN ADDITION, MANY OF THE ROADS HAVE BEEN REFURBISHED SINCE THOSE EARLIER DAYS. SOME HAVEN'T. OURS WAS A GRAVEL ROAD UNTIL ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO WHEN THE FEW RESIDENTS AT THAT TIME POOLED THEIR RESOURCES AND HAD THE ROAD PAVED. AGAIN, PART OF THE CHARM OF A LAKE COMMUNITY. YOU EITHER LOVE IT OR HATE IT. SOUNDS LIKE YOU HATE IT, SO PERHAPS THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU TO BE (First of all, it's "Do", not "Does". As someone who has lived half of her life in a third world country, let me inform you that there are certainly worse things with which to contend than a shoddy road. And let me suggest that you research lake communities before you come looking in one; we're lucky to have any pavement at all on our road.).

Again, thank you for your inquiry. If you have further questions, please do not hesitate to ask (Honestly, I really don't want to ever hear from you again unless you come bearing apologies for your rude message.).

Sincerely (or not),
Kathleen

(P.S. I will not invite you back to see our house in person because I would not want to chance dealing with someone like you at a closing.

P.P.S. I do need to pass on my appreciation for the blog fodder because I like to be able to file things under "Hissy Fit".

P.P.P.S. Do we chalk this up to your hissy fit or mine?)