Dear Mr. Gore,
I went showerless this morning. Not because I pressed Snooze one too many times, but rather, because the distance across the tile floor from the clothes hamper to the shower was too cold to cross in my birthday suit; the shower had to wait until this afternoon when a half hour on the treadmill warmed me up enough to make that trek across the bathroom tolerable. It has been in the 20s and 30s here. This morning it was 17 degrees. Have I told you I live in Georgia? That's the state that touches the southeast corner of your home state in case you don't know.
What can I do to usher in some of that global warming about which you propagandize on a regular basis? I already own an SUV. Do I need to drive it more? Or faster? Faster means more gas consumption, right? Or maybe I should just let some of the air out of the tires? Please. I will do anything.
I will fly more.
I will use styrofoam plates and bowls and cups.
And then throw them to this frigid wind as litter.
I will cut down all the trees within a mile radius of my home.
I will purchase a cow and feed it Beef-a-Roni so it will be more flatulent.
Hey, I'll eat some Beef-a-Roni myself if that will help.
Please. I really need your help. If you have more information on how I personally can cause global warming, please send it to me. I need to take action before I am forced to move back to Africa. I may be forced to do that anyway; cows are cheaper there.
Freezing in Georgia,