The Worst Shopping Trip

I know I have mentioned before that I do not care for shopping. But this shopping experience has been particularly excruciating. Sure, there are the usual assessments: this one is too big, that one is too small; this one just doesn't feel right. This shopping experience is different, though. It involves people. Us. Our future. Our children.

In September, our church was affected by the floods that inundated much of the state. But the physical flood of nature was just one flood the church was battling. We were battling a huge financial flood, and the waters of that flood continued to rise even as the weather-induced flood waters began to recede. The financial story is too long for this forum, and in fact, I do not even know all of the details of the story. What it finally meant for our church, however, was The End.

Although the final service at our church is not until next week, we bowed out a little early for a number of reasons. One is that I have such a strong desire to find a new church home by Christmas. For some reason, that is very important to me. Secondly, we already grieved for the church on that day back in September when the flooding rains just added to the financial catastrophe we were already in. Since that time we have been serving with the children's ministry and felt so detached anyway.

So we began our big, excruciating church shopping trip. It's been awhile since we've done this. When we got married, Mark and I continued to attend the church we attended when we were dating. There was never a question about whether or not we would stay there. But after a few years, we no longer felt it was right for us. That began our first Church Shop. It was a difficult too. We were trying unsuccessfully to start a family, and it seems everywhere we went, we found ourselves in the midst of groups of young marrieds who could talk about nothing but their children.

We finally gave up looking for that church that listed in their church bulletin: Young Infertile Group, Meets at 11:00, Rm. 201 and returned to our church where we were...comfortable. God answered our prayers and gave us 3 children in as many years. By that time, we knew we could not stay at that church any longer. We could see it was a church in trouble, and no one was taking any steps to fix it, nor was anyone listening to our suggestions. We were one of the first to leave. The church closed within a year or two of our leaving.

After we left that church, we found the church where we have been for the last 6 years, the church that has been our Home. It's gone through lots of changes too. The last two years have been tough because of all of those changes. Still, it's been Home. We have created precious friendships there. It is the only church our children remember, the only church our 4th child has known. But those changes have been disheartening, and we kind of just knew the end was near.

So now we are here. Shopping. Some in our church family have merged with another church, but we have chosen not to. The other church is an even greater distance from us, plus we are afraid it will just be "more of the same". The other day I was asked if I felt God "calling us away" from the church that agreed to merge. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I really stink at discerning God's calling. I've been asking God to just tell me what church to go to, but I have yet to hear an audible voice, and I have a difficult time knowing if the prodding I hear is from God or my selfish desires.

We have visited two churches thus far. Of course there are always positives and negatives to each. What's difficult is carting the children around from church to church. Thankfully, the older two are not shy and are therefore game to walking into a room full of strangers; later I have them report to me 3 positives and 3 negatives. Today even Audrey went into her class. They definitely appreciated today's service more than last week's. We felt sort of comfortable today, although the worship time was a little showy. We loved the singing at our old church--we felt we were a part of a contemporary band, yet we didn't feel the worship team was putting on a show. Today you throw in a smoke machine and flashing lights, and it turns kinda showy. Not to mention the pastor didn't go real deep.

I have found that to be true almost across the board. I have listened to more sermons online over the last three weeks than I typically listen to in a whole year. I don't know if it has to do with the "dumbing down of America" or what, but very few pastors go deep. In fact, many pastors barely crack open the Word of God in their sermons. That is very disturbing to me. The problem I'm finding is that we want contemporary worship combined with sermons that go deep, and that combination seems hard to come by.

So that is our journey right now. Thankfully, one difference in a Church Shop in this day and age as compared to our very first Church Shop is that we have the internet where we can "screen" churches before we spend a Sunday visiting. Meanwhile, I continue to hope God will just give me a church name as I read my Bible in devotions tomorrow.

Reposting: So you don't wade through all of those posts on Reader

Dear all three, give or take, of my regular readers:

In case you access all of the wonderful nuggets of truth and wisdom I offer on Treasured Chapters via Google Reader, you may have been surprised to see like a thousand new posts from me in one day.

Wow, she's some writer, you might think, composing so much wonderfully witty and insightful material in one day.

What I'm really attempting to do is finish my move from Homeschool Blogger to Blogger. Yeah, I know that move happened some time ago. This sorta reminds me of the fact that we still have boxes that were never unpacked from our last house move. And now we want to move again.

Anyway.

Just wanted to keep you informed so you would neither waste time reading posts you may or may not have already read, nor wonder why I'm writing about Halloween in July.

The Unplanned Summons

We were at Wal-Mart today, and I spied a display of calendars and planners. I quickly selected a wall calendar and then began thumbing through the planners. Their covers were so delightful, the whimsical patterns and crisp colors soothing in a way. And as I turned the light pages, there they were--the empty squares, squares that needed to be planned and then filled in.

Alex stood beside me, flipping through the planners as well. "Mom, can I get a planner?" she asked.

"Why do you need a planner?"

"To plan things." (duh!)

"What kind of things will you plan?"

"I don't know. Things."

A girl after my own heart.

We purchased no planners, but I quickly had my calendar hanging gracefully on the wall beside my desk, its hungry squares inviting me to fill them up with plans, appointments, special dates. I marked our first school day in ink without hesitation and then found the date a week later. Unfortunately, I was only able to pencil in my first day of Writing Workshop at Bright Futures Academy.

It's not that I'm unsure of the date. It's just that when we checked the mail today, there it was. An official postcard stamped with a waving American flag across the front, encouraging--no, demanding--I perform my civic duty. A Jury Summons. For August 10. The day before I'm expected in my classroom downtown.

This day in court? It was neither inked nor penciled in, so how can it be happening? I'm crossing my fingers that the powers that be will excuse me on account of the fact that I'm responsible for 4 human beings whom the same powers that be have deemed too young to be at home alone all day. That and the fact that the official postcard with the American flag specifically says in big, red letters, "Do not bring children."

Already I'm rehearsing my phone call to the county seat on Monday. Do I lead with "I homeschool my kids...." Probably not. I have this irrational fear that if I mention the H word, DFCS will have a school bus waiting to take my children off to public school on August 10. I say irrational only because my husband says it's irrational. In my mind, I know it's a completely legitimate concern.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out what God is teaching me through this. I'm pretty sure I already know...best laid plans and all.

Wheelin' and Dealin'

"How much for this?" I would inquire, holding up the African souvenir.

"For you, Lady," the vendor would reply, "I give you special price of 2000 francs." His English was halting, yet well constructed from years of practice on a myriad of tourists.

"Oh, that's way too much," I would retort with mock indignation. "I'll give you 1500 francs."

He would feign offense, turn slightly away, and say, "1800, my last price." I would begin to walk away, and he would run up to me, tugging at my arm. "OK, OK, Lady. Last price. 1600 francs." I would agree to the price I wanted in the first place, pay for my souvenir, and move on to the next stall.

The Cocody Market in Abidjan was one of my favorite places to be. I'm not a shopping girl, but this was not your typical mall shopping. It was fun to peruse the souvenirs, but mostly it was fun to barter.

Bartering. That's something I'm sure many of us have done with God. "God, if you'll just give me A, I'll do/never do B again." I made such a deal with God yesterday. And with Chris. Chris is the children's minister at our church and, incidentally, one of my former students. He has also been a minister to inner city kids and teens for many years. He has long been an integral part of Bright Futures Atlanta. Recently, he and the founders of Bright Futures have begun working to create another ministry: a homeschool-type co-op for those teens and pre-teens who take part in Bright Futures.

I took Chris to Learning Things yesterday to check out some curriculum because, well, someone had to make him aware of the Treasure Warehouse Full of Curriculum. In conversation, I may have mentioned to him how much I would love to be a part of this--if only for one day a week--and of course he ran with it.

Believe it or not, when I first began my education to be a teacher, my dream was to work with inner city kids. That dream has been clouded over the years by my complete immersion into suburban living and all but forgotten as I've thrust myself into the job of motherhood. And now here is this Opportunity standing right in front of me.

Back to the wheelin' and dealin'. The problem with this opportunity is that it is quite far away. The other side of Atlanta far away. And if you know Atlanta at all, you know it is a sprawling city with terrible traffic. Anyway, I told Chris if we could sell our house I would help out because we intend to move about a half hour closer to civilization if we can ever unload this house. I felt quite satisfied with my deal--quite like I'd just gotten the price I wanted. Chris said he'd have everyone pray and we'd have the house sold in a week.

While I don't doubt that our prayers can indeed get this house sold in a week, I don't think that God wants me to be making deals with Him. I think He wants me to take steps of faith without the bartering. This is very difficult for me. I have spent so many years in self-reliance, years of making decisions without bringing God in at all. Consequently, I have very little experience in knowing God's will for my life. I mean, those open doors...are they open by chance, because I've led such a charmed life, or because God wants me to walk through them? Are those whispers from His Spirit or my selfish desires? These are common questions that rattle through my brain.

I'm so not good at this. It's really kind of silly because we're only talking one day a week that I would go down and help. And, while I know that raising my kids is my primary ministry right now, I also know that part of that ministry is teaching my children that there is more to life than the little suburban bubble in which we live. This would be a perfect opportunity. So why am I hesitating? I know it is my own selfishness which causes the hesitation. And laziness. That would play a factor too, of course, because saying "yes" would mean some extra planning and organization. And putting myself out there to be involved in others' lives.

I think I already know the answer--that this investment is worth a sacrifice. Why, then, do I still keep wanting to barter?

Just Gettin' By

It really has just been one of those weeks. This yuckie bug is taking its time leaving the premises, so each day one or more of us has been less than up to par. Most of this week it's been me, so everything has pretty much been neglected: laundry, cleaning, quality academics, family fun, fitness...

And I guess blogging can be added to that list because all I've got left to say is: Do I get a do-over next week?!